A December Night

Today I noticed that I have been thinking about winter a lot lately. Maybe that’s not as bazaar as you might think. The weather here in Oklahoma has been in the high 90’s ever since it stopped raining. Being that hot you might as well say it’s been in the 100’s because the heat index generally makes it about 10° higher. I never have enjoyed being out and about when the sun is that hot; I burn too easily. I’ve never been able to have a ‘nice’ tan, it’s either burn or nothing at all. My sister and brother get tan but I’ve always been the totally white one in the bunch.

I took my niece to the Dermatologist once, I was in my middle to late 20’s at the time. The doctor came in the room and at once started painting a fearful picture for me. The way he said what he did I imagined the picture right away: Don’t even open your door while the sun is out, if you must go out, cover yourself with the highest sunscreen you can get, if you can’t wear a hat then use an umbrella. But don’t go out unless you absolutely have to. I asked him why and he told me I had the kind of skin that can get cancer easily. Then he pointed out the old farmers that would get skin cancer and said that I had the same skin type. After a few moments trying to keep myself from panicking I told him it was my niece that was there to see him. I really have a problem with people that feel they can just walk up to me and say anything, no matter how scary or necessary it might be. With my imagination I’m surprised that I’ve not attacked anyone when they do this. My normal reaction to confrontation is to advance, not retreat! I know he was just wanting to help me, but he didn’t know me from Adam and he didn’t know how I would react…he was a very excitable man, I must say.

Anyway, the heat seems to be on everyone’s mind at the moment. So naturally I’m there too. I feel sorry for my grand children because I won’t let them play out when it is this hot. They have to get up early or wait until it starts getting dark, then they can go out. But once you let them go out they wind up coming back in within five minutes. Then it becomes ‘the battle of the flies’ and makes me so pissed that I make them stay in anyway. There are four (I think that I have mentioned that) and the in and outs of a normal day causes the house to be bombarded with flies. I hate flies!!! Plus it sure keeps the house hotter than it need be. I won’t cook when I have to fight for space with flies. I know I’m probably obsessive about it, but that’s just the way the cookies crumble…Anyway the poem for today is: A December Night

A December Night

On a moon lit night in deep December
When the world was covered in icy white
All were abed within peaceful slumber
Save one who was having a restless night

She sits staring out her bedroom window
Looking for what, she really did not know
Searching the grounds for shadows, familiar
But all that was familiar was the snow

A sigh escapes her full, ruby red lips
As she leans her head on the window sill
Not understanding for what she is searching
Yet feeling it’s something beyond her will

Her eyes, the color of dark chocolate
Almond shaped, with lashes of velvet black
Begin to fill with tears of deep longing
A longing for something she knows she lacks

The moon gently lights her long, golden locks
Shinning about her head like a halo
Illuminating her silky night gown
With what appears as an unearthly glow

Soon she turns her attention to the fire
For the sight of memories that it keeps
But even the fire does not reveal
Any of the mysteries buried so deep

White flakes begin to fall softly again
As the night slowly drifts into new scenes
No answers have been found for her this time
Perhaps she will find them within her dreams

Susan Palmer-Davis
©2006
All Rights Reserved

Fantasy Sprite

I've not been on line much the last couple of days. Spent yesterday mostly sleeping, today was much the same. It is the end of the month and it has been a long one for me. Longer yet for Tony, since he is working out in the weather. So many times I find myself just basically going through the motions by the end of the month. We get paid only once a month and sometimes that last week just drags on.

My daughter-in-law has been off work the last three weeks, maybe four-I'm not all that great at remembering one week to the next. Her being home has taken a lot of the stress out of my everyday. The kids (there are 4 of them-6, 4, 2, and 1) still come and bug me about stuff ‘cause they know that I will give them what they want when their mom says no. I'm doing that a little less (I do try to remember that she is calling the shots right now)...lol but they are my grandbabies and I've been taking care of them for quite some time now. It is nicer being just grandma (Nana). I think she will want to go back to work after a while...she likes having the extra money and being around other people her age (or just different people than us). I'm hoping that it is a while before she does, ‘cause each day/week/month they get older and easier for me to handle.

School starts the 21 of Aug. here. Ethan will be 5 the last of Oct. So unless we can get him into pre-k he will not start school until next year. Sean has been teaching Ethan and the girls counting or rather Sean taught Ethan, Ethan then taught the girls. It is funny hearing the 1 year old (ok, close to two) walking around singing the numbers. So the little imp (Isa) running around getting into things reminded me of this poem:


Fantasy Sprite

Oh Squanderer of youth you tickle my fancy
Rushing in for a peek and off again dancing
Around and around ‘fore I can catch my breath
Making me wonder what it is that you’ve left

Whimsically plying your mind freeing song
Touching and teasing taunting me along
Offering your fantasies so pleasing to hear
Tinkling of your moonbeams sounding so clear

Sun risings, sunsets, full moons and even the tides
All bring something different and pleasant to this ride
You force me to stop to see things through your eyes
And bring a Wind Song to blow sweetly through my life

Wind kissing my face and rushing through my hair
Freeing my mind from the stagnation of cares
Here but a brief moment then so quickly you’ve gone
Leaving part of your spirit with this new gentle song

A fantasy sprite my mind says you must be
Riding along on your beautiful light streams
Oh how your laughter invades this jaded mind
Reminding me there was once another place and time

Susan Palmer-Davis
©2001
All Rights Reserved

Fear

There are times when I know in my heart that I am the most scared person alive. I'm not kidding, I'm scared of everything. I could try and blame it on depression, but anyone in their right mind would know that is only a small part of it. I don't like to take chances because if anything goes wrong I feel that it is my fault, I am the one that is responsible. I've always been this way. No one can actually talk me into doing anything that might get someone hurt or in trouble. Not many people understand this part of me. I get it but it is hard to make anyone else understand. I learned very early on that if anything was going to go wrong, it would be when I was doing it. I don't really remember a lot about myself (other than the fact that I was extremely shy; fearfully so) before the age of 7. There are a few little flashes of memory for part of the time but my mind has apparently decided to push it back so far that it isn't readily accessible. That's ok, cause it's probably not worth accessing.

I do know that I was a tom-boy to the extreme...I could best the boys my age at anything they wanted to do. I hated dresses and couldn't understand why girls couldn't wear slacks or jeans to school. Dolls were ridiculous to me (and Barbies were the worst)...playing with them was like real life not play. I didn't like playing house, tea party, shopping or anything else that seemed a part of what real life was. I'd rather be running, jumping or racing while pretending I was a horse. Or better yet reading stories that were about them or had them in it.

You would think that as much as I related to boys instead of girls I would have picked up on the 'boys aren't afraid', even if it wasn't the truth the myth should have been what I tried to assimilate. It seems to me that no one should have to live their whole life in fear of one thing or another. I do consider it a flaw in my character.

Fear

Injustice is all around us
Been so from the very first man
Yet few stand up to make changes
Fear takes away the helping hand

Tolerance is only for the few
While mans’ fear decides who, it seems
Children suffer abuse and wonder
What the hell it all really means

I had hoped that more would happen
Once mankind placed foot on the moon
Instead we are standing still in time
Fearing the future will come too soon

Fear keeps us from seeing that future
Or anything we don't understand
As something that might be desired
Not misused or tossed out of hand

Man is his own worst enemy
Fearing demons at every turn
Following like sheep to slaughter
‘Cause truth man’s unable to discern

With fear there’s no chances taken
No risk to do better than before
No need to look to the future
Fear keeps man from seeing that door

As the Inquisitors of old
Man uses ignorance and fear
To control the lowly masses
That they may not see what is so clear

No man should be above another
No woman below any man
That fear should not be our guide-line
Nor make us keep our heads in the sand

Susan Palmer-Davis
©2004
All Rights Reserved

I Recall

Ok, so I can't get it out of my thoughts...the mentioning of my father not being in my life. I can't really explain it in a normal writing such as a blog. All I can do is post the poem and let that try to explain. I'm not wanting to hurt him or anyone else. It's just another 'explaining', an attempt to make sense of everything in my own mind. It is what it is, so don't make it more; but also don't think that it isn't important:

I Recall

You made a mistake in thinking
I wouldn’t remember too much
You should have left those times alone
Because I remember your touch

No, not the times that you held me
Nor the times you said ‘I love you’
Those were just childish fantasies
And never meant to be the truth

I remember the back-handings
How they threw me against the wall
Funny how it isn’t the pain
But the rejections that I recall

I remember the many nights
And how I cried myself to sleep
Not really understanding why
You never had the time for me

I knew that you didn’t love me
I just didn’t understand why
I simply was not good enough
No matter what it was I tried

I’ve tried to remember good times
But I can’t seem to think of one
I guess they’re not there to recall
If they’re there, they’ve been over run

I know that as I grew older
I didn’t think about you as much
I came to terms with my feelings
And stopped wondering why and such

It's a wonder that I survived
Never knowing a father's love
It's too late now to make amends
'cause I cannot forget what was

It's not that I don't forgive you
'cause I have, deep down in my heart
It's just that I don't have a need
For trying to make a new start

Susan Palmer-Davis

Copyright ©2001
Revised ©2005
All Rights Reserved

Understanding

I have a fairly large family; 4 grown children, 10 grandchildren, and 1 great grandchild. My mother is still alive, thank God, and so are my father, sister, brother, and their children and two grandchildren (brother and sister's). That's a lot of people especially if you add the in-laws which I do, even if they don't want me to. We all used to be very close except for my father. Holidays have been spent at my house for the past 20 some odd years and it was always full and fun, not counting the work because when you do it for the people you love it isn't so hard but it is still work. Anyway as med./large families go sooner or later everyone goes their own way. I truly miss the closeness, the love that was there, even the occasional misunderstandings were dealable. My mother is getting on in age and her health isn't all that good, so it is becoming a challenge to figure out how/when/where to get together.

When my kids were young they had their differences and even if it became a fight, they would still deal with it and get it over with. But as they have grown it seems that there are others involved enough that the problem never gets straightened out. I don't want to be part of the situation...I just want peace. I love them all and even though they are different I love them all just as much. They are different so there are things about each that I may not care much for, but it doesn't stop me from loving them.

There are not many people in my life that would voice the fact that I do try to understand any situation I find myself involved with. They only see the surface not what my heart and soul feel and believe. So every once in a while I write something that I hope will help them see the me that isn't so easily noted. This is one of those poems:

Understanding

Lift your spirit unto the mountains
Where it may find freedom and you can see
The past and future much less clouded
By all the present days mendacities

Remove the blinders that narrow your sight
And see the world in all its’ splendor
See it all the good along with the bad
And accept its strength through your surrender

Fill your hearing with the mixed melodies
Of man and nature when they harmonize
Blending the heart pulsing strength of the drum
With the haunting beauty of the eagle's cry

Unbind your soul give it freedom to soar
Much as the birds of prey, always searching
For the comfort found within compassion
And the nourishment gained by understanding

Do not be afraid to open your heart
And let it fill with love, passion and faith
For all that life is from beginning to end
Is a combination of the choices we make

Susan Palmer-Davis

Copyright ©2003
All Rights Reserved

First Blog

Ok, so this is my very first post. I don't know what I'm doing trying this but I was compelled to try it since I've had the account for over a year. So what does a 59 year old none working grandma have to say that will matter to anyone other than herself? Probably not much, and still I try! That is part of the 2 sides of me. I used the term '2 sides' but in reality there are most likely many more. The 2 I refer to are the most dominate and the most opposing of each other. Besides I had to name it something and that is what came out of this vegetating mind. Also, I was told by someone that I truly respect that I needed to post my poetry were more than a few people can read it. I can't post any yet cause I haven't figured this place out; it will take me a while. Or maybe I will write a little and then post a poem that I think might convey what I am feeling or one that I just happen to like...So here goes:

Two Sides Of Me

Maybe living is really worth the pain
And confusion that we live through each year
Still I am surprised at this conclusion
Cause for death I have cried most of my tears

The confusion of seeing what’s needed
And the lack of ability to do
Seems to torture my mind too frequently
Leaving the optimist feeling too blue

My pessimist side has been in control
For so long it’s hard to remember when
The optimist had a chance to be free
To ignite her fire and let hope begin

Even now there is a constant battle
Over who will be the one in control
The pessimist is really my fighter
But the optimist manages my soul

It has taken that fighter to survive
She was needed to forge the many walls
Yet time has left me needing those walls less
And now around me I can see them fall

Is it possible they both have a place
Within the mayhem that I call my life
And that perfect balance is not needed
When all you truly want is to survive

Susan Palmer-Davis
© 7/25/06
All Rights Reserved