I Recall

Ok, so I can't get it out of my thoughts...the mentioning of my father not being in my life. I can't really explain it in a normal writing such as a blog. All I can do is post the poem and let that try to explain. I'm not wanting to hurt him or anyone else. It's just another 'explaining', an attempt to make sense of everything in my own mind. It is what it is, so don't make it more; but also don't think that it isn't important:

I Recall

You made a mistake in thinking
I wouldn’t remember too much
You should have left those times alone
Because I remember your touch

No, not the times that you held me
Nor the times you said ‘I love you’
Those were just childish fantasies
And never meant to be the truth

I remember the back-handings
How they threw me against the wall
Funny how it isn’t the pain
But the rejections that I recall

I remember the many nights
And how I cried myself to sleep
Not really understanding why
You never had the time for me

I knew that you didn’t love me
I just didn’t understand why
I simply was not good enough
No matter what it was I tried

I’ve tried to remember good times
But I can’t seem to think of one
I guess they’re not there to recall
If they’re there, they’ve been over run

I know that as I grew older
I didn’t think about you as much
I came to terms with my feelings
And stopped wondering why and such

It's a wonder that I survived
Never knowing a father's love
It's too late now to make amends
'cause I cannot forget what was

It's not that I don't forgive you
'cause I have, deep down in my heart
It's just that I don't have a need
For trying to make a new start

Susan Palmer-Davis

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