Sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. Frustration, anger…I’ve always been able to handle without the fear that I might not be able. Even now, I know I can survive any fit or damaging reaction; I just can’t handle this fear. I don’t know why it possesses me. When I was young I took a class called ‘Knowledge Replaces Fear.’ I did real well with it and apparently it has lasted these many years. Now for some reason it isn’t working any more. The fears I have now are those that I have little, if any, knowledge of. So what do I do now? How do I trust anyone to know the answers, and to be honest with me about them? How do I deal with something when my resources for that dealing are slowly slipping away? I have allowed this conception to consume me. It invades my every thought. Like a poisonous gas, it seeps into my total being. Reforming, changing and continuing to do its dirty work.
Well after writing this and only having 4 hours sleep I went to the doctor for my 3 month diabetes checkup. While there the doctor and I discussed this situation with my thoughts and I gave in! I am now taking an antidepressant. If it doesn’t help then I’ve only lost a little money and time. If it causes more problems I’m not sure if I will try a different one. I haven’t eaten any extra sugar today so I don’t know why I feel shaky …hope it doesn’t last cause I really don’t like it. New poem: Stranger I’m sure that I will be doing some editing on it, but not sure when it will come to me.
Stranger
A stranger even to my own mind
With no familiar road to follow
Trapped within my own pathetic cell
Stunned while weakness bores my heart hollow
So many dark thoughts invade my mind
Sending me to places unholy
Binding me with too many untruths
And leaving despair to torture me
Filling well every crack and cranny
Of this weakened mind that now betrays
With bile from lies spoken in anger
Strengthened by retelling along the way
I’ve seen the wickedness despair brings
Enveloping all that it touches
Dripping, oozing from a bleeding heart
Slowly destroying all that’s righteous
Lord, please let me find myself again
Asked in a whisper, this pain felt plea
I really don’t know how I got here
This person I’ve become is not me
Susan Palmer-Davis
©8/2010
All Rights Reserved
I can't believe I missed this. It made me cry.
ReplyDeleteYou do know that it takes a while for the meds to work, right? Sweetie, you need to find a way to teach your body to sleep. You never get any, and that in itself can destroy you. The mind has a way of going on weird overload. (I know because I've been there) I don't ever remember knowing you when you actually slept well. I always wondered if the sleep problem was because you hated to give up control to dreams. (oh, slap me if you must)
Life is good. You are a good person. I want my friend to be o.k. with herself. ((((hugs)))
I wrote an answer last night, but then DIL came in and told me about Walmart and their new 'tagging' clothing thing. Then she asked me to look it up. When I got through the reply was gone. I am used to opening more than one window and doing other things that come up, while saving the other window to come back to...when I got back this time my answer was gone. My computer has been acting weird lately, I just hope it doesn't crash. If it does I will lose what I haven't backed up...and I'm not sure what I have and haven't backed up...lol I guess I need to take a few days and weed out my photos. It is such a pain I put it off too long. Ok, so anyway...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that I worried you, but really I'm ok. I know it might not sound like it from the poem but that is part of the way I work things out. I have been told that a lot of people can relate to the things that I write, so I swallowed my pride and posted it.
Yes, I know that it takes a while...I agreed to a month, but it is more like 5 weeks. It's weird but I felt a change the first time I took it. I actually didn't worry about anything and I slept when I wanted. Made for better blood sugar numbers...It feels like there is a touch of speed in them, though. I feel jittery, my legs don't want to be still and I don't want to eat. I don't like speed for two reasons: 1) I don't like how it makes me feel because (until the last few years) I already was hyper (remember my tirades from long ago:)). 2) It is addicting.
The lack of appetite worries me because I've been there before and almost didn't make it back...and I didn't even realize it(that was without drugs of any kind).
The sleep problem has been with me from childhood. I don't usually have dreams, at least not that I remember. The ones that I do remember are usually nightmares, but even they are telling. Sleep is the most important way that I heal. As to a control issue, you could be right I've just never thought of it that way.
Since DIL hasn't been working I don't have to deal with the kids as much. The only thing I have to worry about right now is money, and there isn't anything I can do about that.;) Still the getting old thing is rather daunting...Thank you for being here and caring. It does help ya know? :)