Fear

There are times when I know in my heart that I am the most scared person alive. I'm not kidding, I'm scared of everything. I could try and blame it on depression, but anyone in their right mind would know that is only a small part of it. I don't like to take chances because if anything goes wrong I feel that it is my fault, I am the one that is responsible. I've always been this way. No one can actually talk me into doing anything that might get someone hurt or in trouble. Not many people understand this part of me. I get it but it is hard to make anyone else understand. I learned very early on that if anything was going to go wrong, it would be when I was doing it. I don't really remember a lot about myself (other than the fact that I was extremely shy; fearfully so) before the age of 7. There are a few little flashes of memory for part of the time but my mind has apparently decided to push it back so far that it isn't readily accessible. That's ok, cause it's probably not worth accessing.

I do know that I was a tom-boy to the extreme...I could best the boys my age at anything they wanted to do. I hated dresses and couldn't understand why girls couldn't wear slacks or jeans to school. Dolls were ridiculous to me (and Barbies were the worst)...playing with them was like real life not play. I didn't like playing house, tea party, shopping or anything else that seemed a part of what real life was. I'd rather be running, jumping or racing while pretending I was a horse. Or better yet reading stories that were about them or had them in it.

You would think that as much as I related to boys instead of girls I would have picked up on the 'boys aren't afraid', even if it wasn't the truth the myth should have been what I tried to assimilate. It seems to me that no one should have to live their whole life in fear of one thing or another. I do consider it a flaw in my character.

Fear

Injustice is all around us
Been so from the very first man
Yet few stand up to make changes
Fear takes away the helping hand

Tolerance is only for the few
While mans’ fear decides who, it seems
Children suffer abuse and wonder
What the hell it all really means

I had hoped that more would happen
Once mankind placed foot on the moon
Instead we are standing still in time
Fearing the future will come too soon

Fear keeps us from seeing that future
Or anything we don't understand
As something that might be desired
Not misused or tossed out of hand

Man is his own worst enemy
Fearing demons at every turn
Following like sheep to slaughter
‘Cause truth man’s unable to discern

With fear there’s no chances taken
No risk to do better than before
No need to look to the future
Fear keeps man from seeing that door

As the Inquisitors of old
Man uses ignorance and fear
To control the lowly masses
That they may not see what is so clear

No man should be above another
No woman below any man
That fear should not be our guide-line
Nor make us keep our heads in the sand

Susan Palmer-Davis
©2004
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